Oh, a sci fi trope where you don’t have names. It didn’t work in the Road, probably won’t work here.
I’m already exhausted.
Those kids are going to make noise.
Do birds need air? Please don’t let those birds suffocate.
Are they just going to row in a circle? I’ve seen this episode of the Simpsons. It doesn’t end well.
Ohhh, so you can peek through a blindfold? How is this not cheating? Grainy images don’t count?
How is Sandra Bullock pregnant and 54? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s 5 years earlier. Here, she’s a spry 49! My bad.
All I can think of with this car wreck is that she’d definitely be giving birth or miscarrying right this instant.”
Why am I doing this? There’s no way a movie where Sarah Paulson dies in the first 10 minutes is good.
My annoyance at seeing John Malkovich is rivaled only by my joy at seeing B.D. Wong.
This dude in the supermarket vest is REALLY into end times mythology.
Is this better or worse than a zombie movie? External versus internal danger, etc. Ugh, I don’t like either. I personally would choose to just give up in these types of situations. And I love life!
Man, I miss Sarah Paulson. I’d watch a movie about her and her horse farm any ol’ day. Make it a gay romance a la Desert Hearts. That’d be nice.
So this is back in time, but somehow Sandra’s going to have ANOTHER child? She’s already pregnant! Whyyyy? She doesn’t even want this one!
NOW WE’RE BACK IN THE ROWBOAT UNDER A BLANKET. You can’t see shit.
TIL birds drink water.
B.D. WONG Iknew would save us! HE’s tying himself to the chair like Odysseus to the mast!
Why is the power still on in this world? That’s the first thing that goes in crises, especially when most of the population is killing themselves.
What do you do with one lil tongue touch of gin, John Malkovich?
I was wrong about B.D. Wong. RIP.
Through all these flashbacks, I KNOW they’re still on that fucking row boat about to go off the cliff. WHYYY.
No seriously, how is the power still on in this world? I wonder if the bosses were like “Y’all have to stay here at the power plant. Shit’s about to get real.”
Welp, now I can say I’ve seen Sandra Bullock hack a red-headed motherfucker to death in a rowboat.
GPS STILL WORKS TOO HOW IS SOCIETY STILL IN TACT?!
Laughing out loud at human speed bump lies as they drive to the store with no windows.
OK this proximity alert scene in the car is pretty frightening.
How are they gonna get food with blindfolds? What if they get gluten free oatmeal!?!
APOCALYPSE SUPERMARKET SWEEP. I WOULD WIN THIS SHIT NO JOKE.
Oh, the eponymous birds. You gotta enough to worry about, Sandra. You don’t need birds!
OH THE BIRDS ARE LIKE CANARIES. Subtle, guys, subtle.
She should not keep the birds though. Did she get birdseed? Day old newspapers? Are they going to have to live in a (gasp) Bird Box™?
I don’t know why they’re not more strictly rationing the food. Sandra’s over here tearin’ into a whole jar of peanut butter that could last them two weeks.
Ohhh the dumb young lovers stole the car. Are they from Florida? He seems like Jason Mendoza from the Good Place. That sounds about right.
WAIT WHAT EXCUSE ME 24 HOURS ON THE RIVER OK. I THOUGHT THIS WAS A THREE-HOUR TOUR.
I’m not a parent, guys, but there’s NO WAY kids would keep these blindfolds on, right? No way.
You guys, I just learned that BirdBox ™ has air holes, so we’re good, they can breathe. Do birds have lungs? I don’t know much about birds.
The most anxiety producing moments in this film is when she leaves those goddamned kids alone.
This movie is nonsense.
Sure, I have strong feelings about choosing to live in an apocalyptic hellscape but really, no one should live in this world.
Sandra, if you die, these children will die. STOP SHOUTING AT THEM TO SAVE THEMSELVES.
Some folks don’t have to wear blindfolds?
OH THIS IS WHERE THE EXTRA BABY COMES FROM.
38 hours on the river. Jesus christ.
These poor children are so scarred.
Jesus she has to Sophie’s Choice these kids. HORRIBLE.
OH NO THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE BABIES AT THE SAME TIME.
Oh no the English gentleman they let in is doing his weird fucked up and dark Tumblr art in the living room. This was a huge mistake. The birds don’t care!?!?! YOU HAVE ONE FUCKING JOB, BIRDS.
Oh he put the birds in the freezer. So you get cold and don’t work, birds!?!
John Malkovich, I’m sorry. The world needs assholes in an apocalypse, you were right—about everything.
THERE’S HELLA STRAWBERRY JAM ON THESE BABIES.
Oh no now Sandra B. is going to have to breastfeed both these babies. UGHHH.
I hate this movie.
Esteemed, Academy Award-winning actor of our time John Malkovich was like “Yes. Yes, I agree to hold a shotgun blindfolded and point it at a man with my eyes closed for minutes on end.”
OK what is this movie a metaphor for. Someone on Twitter said mental illness, but I don’t think that’s right.
Now, it’s 5 years laters. She’s with the hot guy. I’m glad they don’t have any more kids.
They’re rock-tap-training the kids, thank God.
Sometimes, when you’re raiding a house for goods, you gotta steal a lil left-behind lingerie for yo’ man.
The worst part of this whole experience is knowing that I’m gonna have to watch it again with my gf.
I just think unprotected sex is irresponsible in an apocalypse.
There’s no way she gonna sacrifice a child in this boat adventure.
I don’t think you can garden without seeing.
SURVIVAL IS NOT ENOUGH!
OH so Boy and Girl isn’t just the writer’s narrative choice. She fucking named them Boy and Girl. Cold, Sandra B. Cold.
Y’all know I. only started watching this movie because i didn’t want to miss out on memes. Ughhh.
BITCH YOU DON’T WANT THOSE 5-YEAR-OLD POPTARTS. Stale as hell. They ain’t even good fresh, shit.
Wait, if you can live with the blindfold off, why wouldn’t you? Maybe it’s fine. It’s totally fine. These guys ain’t dead! They’re like door-to-door salesmen of a Better Life?
I will miss that hot man. RIP. The way those red leaves start stirring and whipping up and moving, it reminds me a little of the movie Annihilation.
I think I just realized why she named them Boy and Girl. It’s so she won’t get as attached. Holy shit, that’s dark. If she was a nicer woman, though, this wouldn’t have worked, I guess. APOCALYPSE CHILD REARING BEST PRACTICES.
42 hours on the river. Personal note: I hate white water rapids, and I wouldn’t do it in the best of all possible worlds.
Oh god this is my idea of hell.
Yup, and they capsized.
FUCK YES THEY HAVE BELLS. Ring Ring Mother Fuckers!!!
BUT how the hell did the BirdBox™ survive that shit. I guess if an 8-month pregnant lady can survive a car-rolling crash, these birds are all right in their Bird Box. ™
Oh god when she falls down DONT CRUSH THE BIRDS!!!!
This is the most stressful game of Marco Polo I’ve ever watched.
If these children die i’m never watching a movie ever again.
THE BLIND PEOPLE SCHOOL!!! This is just tidying up in the last few minutes like an old episode of The Twilight Zone.
Oh, the bird shit that must be everywhere in this place!. Who cares, worth it.
Good god damn… you KNOW those Sandra Bullock birds are glad to be out of that Bird Box. ™
Oh the secret reveal of NAMES?!?! AND OF HER BEING THE MOTHER?! Oh yeah, these kids are fucked up.
